


Hide my Head                                  (I wanna drown my sorrow)

by Captain_Language



Series: The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, BAMF Harley Keener, Depressed Peter Parker, F/M, Flash Thompson Being A Jerk, Harley Keener is a great boyfriend, Harry And Peter Are Cousins, Hurt Peter Parker, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Oblivious Pepper Potts, Oblivious Tony Stark, Panic Attacks, Parent Natasha Romanov, Peter Left Note's, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is Tony Stark and Pepper Potts adopted child, Protective Harley Keener, Protective Natasha Romanov, Steve and Natasha Adopted Harry, Suicidal Peter Parker, Suicide Attempt, Trigger Warning!, Uncle Steve Rogers, alternative universe, mentions of self harm, no powers, suicide note
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:47:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21921178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captain_Language/pseuds/Captain_Language
Summary: Well I never really thought I'd write my own suicide note. I never wanted to die . Honestly speaking, I don't really  know what I want anymore because it doesn't matter and here I am. I hope you never get to read this and I chose to live to fight against my demons and not to end my life like a coward. I hope you guys will notice my absense in the house or that I exist, talk to me or hug me like you guys used to do before but if you're reading this then I am sorry Mom and Dad.After Morgan was born Peter's parents has been distant and he didn't knew where he belonged anymore.Trigger warning suicidal thoughts but nothing graphic!
Relationships: Harley Keener/Peter Parker, Pepper Potts & Peter Parker, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Harry Osborn, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov & Harry Osborn, Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov
Series: The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1578703
Comments: 99
Kudos: 415





	1. I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guy's this is like my first ever work in this fandom so be nice with me please :) 
> 
> Title inspired from the song "Mad World"

Dear Mom and Dad,

Peter here! Remember me? Silly question. My bad, of course you do after all I'm your son or I was. I don't know if I am though because neither I have seen much of you guys lately nor we had a decent family like conversation together. Well I never really thought I'd write my own suicide note. I never wanted to die . Honestly speaking, I don't really know what I want anymore because it doesn't matter and here I am. I hope you never get to read this and I chose to live to fight against my demons and not to end my life like a coward. I hope you guys will notice my absense in the house or that I exist, talk to me or hug me like you guys used to do before but if you're reading this then I am sorry Mom and Dad I guess I did it? Didnt I? Like the coward I am, all I can do is apologize.

I don't remember how my biological parent's were like. I never knew who they were. All I knew was, you both are my parent's and you both will love me and protect me with your everything and you guy's did until you couldn't anymore. I don't blame you though. I wasn't worth anything, just a white piece of thrash, a garbage worthless piece of shit like Flash says. He's right.I'm just stupid puny parker, an orphan. I'm not even a Stark. Youu guys never changed my surname not that I mind but maybe I did a little. It never mattered to me what my surname was or the fact that I was adopted. I was loved and taken care and that was all I needed.

I was 8 when Auntie Tasha told me that even after year's of marriage Mom wasn't able to conceive and you guy's tried really hard for a kid. You both really wanted to have your own child but failed to have one. Then, you both choosed the path of adoption to start your family. She told me I was 7 months old when you both brought me home and that you guys loved me and everyone just fell in love with me.

I had a very pleasant childhood ; the best 14 years of life with two loving parents like you both. When you both told me that I was gonna be a big brother on my 14th birthday,I was so happy. Why wouldnt I be? I always wanted a sibling. I thought maybe now our family would be a complete one with Dad Mom me and my little sibling but things went literally opposite of what I had thought. Mom was always moody which I totally understood. She wasn't at fault cause it was just pregnancy hormones. She was sick and Dad had to take care of SI because mom couldn't which also was also understandable.i made myself understand that I'm gonna become a big brother soon and it won't be the same. I have to stop behaving like a child and keep my insecurities away, then Morgan H. Stark was born my little sister. She was everything I wasn't or I ever can be. She was a "Stark", and most importantly, she was your blood, your child, your miracle child which you both longed for. 

I understood that Morgan was a baby hence she needed more attention.She needed to be watched and that was fine. You guy's had me for longer than fourteen year's so I thought you both would eventually come back to me but so wrong I was. I understand Morgan is a baby she needed you but I am a kid too. I needed you too. I needed you to be there when Flash hurt me. I needed you both to be there when my academic team won the decathlon nationals or when I was made the captain.I needed you to be there when I had my first panic attack. I needed you both to hold me, to hug me, to tell me that I'm ok,I'll be ok. 

I know that you already had your hand's full with a baby and SI last thing you'll want is to deal with my teenage angst. I don't understand what changed. I never stopped being your son do you both even remember that you have a son? I still had some hope left that we'll pass this phase once Morgan would grow older but four months later when you guy's didn't show up on my career day it was clear that you both stopped being my parents, Flash Thompson got another chance to humiliate me because his deadbeat Dad was there for him who never gave a living fuck about Flash's existence. He told me I'm not a Stark, I'll never be a Stark, I'm not your real kid so why will you care? Right! And for the first time I trusted his word's. It was ok.

Friday told me I was depressed and that I'm showing signs of anxiety and depression. I wanted to get better, so I started visiting my school counselor. After two maybe three visit's she told me she would have to inform you guy's. I begged her not to because you guy's already had a lot in plate. I lied, I said that i would talk to you both about my issue's which was not totally a lie; because I tried to talk but you both were too busy to listen to your own son.

I'm not jealous Mom and Dad I don't know where I belong anymore, where I fit. I've been lying to myself me and everybody else. I'm sick of pretending I'm okay everyday when I clearly am not! I want my parents back I want to belong again. I don't even know how to act around you both anymore, it's almost a year since Morgan was born her first birthday is in a week and I'm genuinely so happy, Why won't I be? she's still my baby sister and I love her. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the same boy who used to share every little thing's with his parent's now can't seem to act around them anymore without being awkward, or start a conversation with them without any hesitation.

I'm dead inside, it becomes hard to breathe my anxiety has become worse I need help I desperately need help. I'm sorry for what I did and why I did, I don't blame anyone not you Mom not you Dad but me. I am a disgrace. I should be strong and try harder, Stark men's are made of iron and they're not supposed to be broken like me, but well you see I'm not even a Stark after all and all I do is let you both down. I love you both. I'll never stop loving you because no matter what you both are still my Mom and Dad. It was all my fault and I am sorry for being such a bad son but don't worry you guy's will pass this. Don't blame yourself I was broken and beyond repair. I love you. I'm sorry.

Your Son,  
Peter B. Parker

(Maybe Flash was right I'll never be a stark)


	2. Worn Out Places

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why do you care? Answer me Keener. Why do you fucking care. All I do is make you worry." he sobbed harder leaving Harley shocked from his sudden outburst. Harley took a deep breath and held Peter by his forearms
> 
> "Because I love you Peter." Harley said making him look in his eye's.
> 
> "You should not." Peter's lips wobbled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I'm late but it's been a busy week, well not really busy but it was Christmas and I went to church watched Netflix and chilled. I won't lie I finished writing half of this chapter on Friday only and I was supposed to post it on Sunday but I spent my weekend binging all the 3 season's of 13 Reason's Why on Netflix for the 7th time I guess lol idk I'm a sucker for Justin Foley (nope don't come at me) also if you find any similarities between Hannah Baker's tapes and Peter's letter to Harley then blame my brain lol I needed inspiration and used the show. Also Thank you so much for all your lovely comments oh my god I'm flattered literally, I thought no one will read this because of my bad grammer and more worse English but I really appreciate it. Thank you.
> 
> Trigger warning for suicide well it's nothing graphic but I'll still give a warning for just in case you know, it starts something with " Peter, stumbled into the penthouse" and ends with "I'm Sorry" he sobbed , you can skip the part.

Morgan H. Stark's first birthday was 2 months ago and Peter stood far away from his parent's while they held his baby sister smiling who was beaming at the camera. Peter loved his sister he smiled he was happy for her. He just wished he was a part of the picture too. His parents looked so happy. "They'll be okay without me" he had thought. 

He was caught up in his head when his phone made a buzz sound.

"Hey Pete I hope you're doing okay? You looked sick at school today. - Harley"

Peter smiled a little on seeing the message it was nice to have somebody who still cared about him.

"Yeah I'm okay just tired. Thanks for asking, see you. He typed back".  
He slipped into his bathroom that night and made cuts on his wrists deeper than he had ever done before.

Here is the thing about Harley Keener you don't fuck with him, he knew that something was up with Peter, he knew that Peter was slowly sliding away. He was always sad and distracted, he never smiled anymore. Peter is his best friend and Harley was pretty sure he was in love with him. Harley could kill for Peter without hesitating, because Peter was the only person who cared about Harley apart from his mother and sister. Harley met Peter during their freshman year. Flash was picking up on the kid, and Harley was his ultimate saviour. Peter, Ned, MJ and him immediately became a small group but soon MJ had to move away because of her father's job, but they still FaceTime each other and talked every day. 

Harley had noticed the sophomore year Peter was not the same Peter he met during their freshman year. They went to the winter dance together it was Peter who asked him if he wants to go to the dance with him as a friend. Harley could see the grimace on Peter's face the whole time, and when Peter asked him if he could crash over? Harley immediately said yes. 

Peter cried that night and Harley held him tight afraid the boy will break. No questions were asked. Harley let Peter cry while he whispered soothing word's in Peter's ear's until the smaller boy fell asleep in his arms. Harley's feeling's for Peter was real, it was not just any stupid crush. Harley was deeply in love with Peter. Harley wanted to protect the boy, to hold him and tell him how much he loved and cared about him; Harley wanted to help Peter. 

Harley was not too surprised when Peter showed up at his apartment in the middle of the night because Peter had been doing that since the night of their winter dance.

"Hey." Harley greeted Peter while making way for him to enter.

"Hi harls" he smiled at Harley which quite did not reach his eyes.

"Your parent's kicked you out or something Parker." Harley joked as they made their way to the couch making Peter flinch.

"I'm sorry I was just kidding you know that right." Peter just nodded his head "Junior year is just tough."

"Says the scholar." Harley joked

"Harley, you mind if I stay here tonight?" he said sitting on the couch.

"As long as I get to cuddle with you I don't" Harley winked sitting beside him.

Peter started giggling hearing Harley and his giggles were music to Harley's ear's, he hasn't seen Peter smile or laugh this freely in ages, but his trance got broken when the smaller boy's giggles turned into ugly sobs.

"Pete." he cupped Peter's face worried making the smaller boy face him.

Peter continued sobbing leaning into his touch.

"Shh, it's okay, you're okay. You're okay darlin'." Harley told him rubbing his back.

"No." Peter choked, he shook his head in no breaking the hug, "I'm a fucking wreak Harley. Why are you doing this? Why don't you just get tired of me and leave me. Why do you care? Answer me Keener. Why do you fucking care. All I do is make you worry ." he sobbed harder leaving Harley shocked from his sudden outburst.

Harley took a deep breath and held Peter by his forearms "Because I love you Peter." Harley said making him look in his eye's.

"You should not." Peter's lips wobbled.

"But I do Peter, and it's ok if you don't feel the same; but Pete you can always count on me no matter what. You are my bestfriend Peter. I don't know what is going on in your life, but it's definitely not school, don't think I haven't noticed how you always zone out how you're always so lost. Your eye's don't shine anymore like they used to before Peter. You have lost weight, you don't even enjoy food anymore, Peter I'm worried about you. You know you can tell me anything right; whatever it is I'll help you Pete, I want to help you. You can always count on me. I understand if you don't want to talk now, but I'm not going anywhere Peter. I'll always listen to you." 

Peter just nodded his head and let Harley pull him into a hug. They stayed like that for sometime when Peter spoke up breaking the hug.

"Harley, um give me your hand." Peter whispered in a quivering voice. To which Harley gave him a confused look but forwarded his hand when Peter placed a white envelope on his palm.

"Open this once I'm gone Harley. I gotta go, goodbye harls."

"Peter wait." he tried to stop him but Peter was quick to ran out of his house.

Harley stared at the envelope on his hand for a moment before reading it.

As Peter got out of Harley's apartment he ran towards the tower not bothering to take a cab,

Peter, stumbled into the penthouse his chest heaving in a verge of an anxiety attack. He gulped his tears and looked around the penthouse it was empty silent, "Oh" he remembered his mom and dad were in Washington DC for some Stark industries business and they took his sister with them. He wiped his tears and went into his room he got changed into a pair of comfy grey pajamas and a white T-shirt. He got into the washroom washed his face and stared at his reflection for a second, before opening the cabinet and taking out a small blade sharp from it.

He sighed and sat on his bed, he takes the blade in his right hand  
and draws it across his left wrist. He stopped for a moment watching as the blood flows out and repeats the same with his right wrist too.

"I'm sorry" he sobbed.

Harley,

I don't know how to start but don't blame yourself for anything, nothing is your fault or anybody else's but completely mine. I'm a fuck up and I fuck up everything and everyone will be so better off without me when I'm gone. 

Harley you've been always so open about your feeling's with me, yet I always ignored you even after knowing how you feel for me. I just couldn't die peacefully with the burden of not telling you how I feel. You should not love me Harls no one should I will ruin you like I ruin everything.

Harley I love you so much I wish I could confess it to you in a person but I just can't, I don't deserve you. You're my bestfriend, You calmed me when I had a panic attack gave me space never questioned me, you always supported me. I'm damaged Harley, broken so let me go its ok. You can still love me and let me go, move on and find someone who's best for you, try to forget me like I was a bad dream.

I tried Harley I tried so fucking hard to fix myself. I failed like always, I fail everyone I failed my mom and dad you everyone. I was supposed to try harder and not end my life like a coward, but atleast I'll die knowing I tried. I don't belong anywhere Harley and I desperately want to belong somewhere to someone alas I never will, never did not to my parent's but I don't blame them I don't blame anyone. I just don't know who I'm, what is my purpose. Maybe none of us can say who we truly are. I just don't have any reason to be alive anymore. 

I love you Harley I always will. I  
didn’t deserve to be with someone like you. I would have ruined you.  
If there is something like afterlife maybe we'll meet there. But you need to let me go okay, I know you can you will. You're one of the most amazing person I've ever met Harley keener. I'm sorry.

Yours ever,  
Peter.

(Maybe live a little for me too?)

Harley's breathe got caught in his throat as he finished reading the letter tears welled up in his eye's as he chocked a sob covering his mouth with his right hand as the other held on the letter like a lifeline. He cried loudly his body shaking.

"No" he sobbed "No no no, he..he can't leave me no.... fuck." He grabbed his phone fumbling.

"Fuck you.. Parker Pick up." he screamed dialing Peter's number but got no answer.

"Please, God.. no" 

"H'rly?."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guy's liked this chapter because I didn't but the next one will be better I promise. I don't know how often I'll post, depends on my own mental health and my school no promise but I'll try for weekly updates. This chapter was not beta-d because my beta lost her phone so if you see any mistakes then pardon me. Suggestions are always welcomed.
> 
> Wish you all a very Happy New Year in advance I hope you all have a great year ahead. See you in 2020. 
> 
> Take care of yourself you matter.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	3. No Tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha and Steve both had noticed that something was off, and they blamed it on the teenage they had thought he would pass it. Peter was not okay in any sense, and she doesn't even know if her nephew will hug her ever again or call her Auntie Tasha again, Hell she has no idea if that kid will ever breathe again. In one word it looked bad and Peter could be dying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys so I'm back here with another update. Thank you so much to all the people who commented on the last chapter and even to the silent reader's, I'm so thankful :)
> 
> Sorry for again updating so late first I am not having the best time of my life rn I think I already fucked up 2020 but 2021 will be better I guess if I survive lol, I had 3 mental breakdowns this week I just got out of my bed for school, I saw "Call Me By Your Name." yesterday dude I cried I'm gonna order that fucking book I wonder how I do not have it in my collection. 
> 
> BTW Happy New Year guys I hope you guys are having a nice one unlike me. lol, Enjoy. *Chef kiss

"H'rly" 

"Peter.. oh my god, Peter..." Harley sobbed hearing his voice.

"I'm s'rry." his voice came as a small whimper making Harley more worried.

"Pete are you okay please tell me, all that bullshit you wrote is just utterly bullshit. I can never let you go, I'll help you please Peter, let me help you." Harley sobbed harder "Pete answer me." but all he heard was sound's of heavy breathing.

"Harls." Peter whispered in a weak voice. 

"Yes, yes I'm listening. Tell me Peter."

"I love you, m s'rry." 

"What did you do, what did you do to yourself.." Harley said already grabbing the keys of his motorcycle.

"Blood." he hear Peter say and with a thud sound the call got disconnected.

Harley freezed on hearing the word "Blood".

"No.. I can't panic.. shoving the note and his phone in his pocket, Harley ran out of the apartment to the lobby where his motorcycle is usually parked always only to see a flat tire.

"Fuck" he cursed and kicked his motorcycle running his hand's through his hair helplessly.

It felt like an eternity for him to reach at the tower, he shoved whatever bills he had to the cab driver before running inside.

Thankgod for Natasha Stark who gave Harley a badge and clearance for the tower. He swiped his badge and FRIDAY greeted him. 

"Hi Mr. Keener." 

"Friday, can you take me to the penthouse please." He asked her anxiously running towards the elevator.

Harley noticed the penthouse was dark and silent, without wasting any time he ran towards Peter's room the door was closed but unlocked, Harley opened the door with his shaking hand's to see Peter laying lifeless on the bed blood pouring out of his wrists staining the yellow bedsheet red, Harley was too shocked to react he felt like he couldn't breathe.

"Peter." Harley slapped his hand over his mouth sobbing, he was scared too scared to touch him he slowly went towards the bed closing his eye's before pressing two fingers on Peter's neck, he was alive but it was barely there.

"Wake up, Peter. What do I do now. Harley cried helplessly, "Friday? Friday are you there?" when Harley got no response. He didn't think much before pulling out his phone and dialing Natasha's number, he knew he could just go to there floor and call them, or just tell Friday by going out of Peter's room but he was too scared to leave him.

It was almost 3 in the morning and Natasha had no idea why Peter's friend was calling her, she and her fiancé both were light sleeper's so when the phone rang both of them woke up.

"Hey, Harley is everything fine? Why are you calling me?" she questioned him in a sleepy voice while her fiancé sat beside her trying to hear the conversation.

"Peter." she heard Harley cry Peter's name though the phone making her worried.

"What's wrong with Peter? Where are you Harley." 

"Miss. Natasha, Peter he.. I'm in his room can you please come? He.. he need's medical.. medical attention. I can't speak more please." he said struggling in between his sobs.

As the call got disconnected Natasha was quick to drag Steve with her to her brother's floor explaining him what Harley said.

"Friday what's wrong with Peter?" Steve asked the ceiling as they got into the elevator.

"Sorry Mr. Rogers I'm afraid I don't have any access to Peter's room." Friday answered.

"What the fuck" Natasha murmured.  
\-------------

Steve had thought that maybe Peter had an asthma attack or something like that, but what he didn't expected was to see a crying Harley cradling Peter's limp body while blood soaked the yellow bed sheet's and Harley's sky blue T-shirt , Steve do not think he can ever forget that scene. He quickly collected Peter in his arms, trying to ignore the blooded blade and ran towards the MedBay. 

Natasha stood in the doorway, that was her nephew who tried to take his own life the Peter she knew was the most innocent happiest kid Natasha and Steve both had noticed that something was off, and they blamed it on the teenage they had thought he would pass it. Peter was not okay in any sense, and she doesn't even know if her nephew will hug her ever again or call her Auntie Tasha again, Hell she has no idea if that kid will ever breathe again. In one word it looked bad and Peter could be dying.

The chain of her thoughts got broken by a sobbing Harley who was now on the floor, hugging his knee's crying out. Natasha approached towards him putting a hand over his shoulder.

"Kid"

"Ma'am please don't, send me home. I want to be with him please."

"Hey, calm down. I'm not going to send you home ok. You need to calm down, I'm gonna give you a moment I'm going to step out and get you a glass of water ok." 

Harley nodded his head vigorously.

After 5 or 6 minute's when Natasha came back Harley was no more crying instead he was standing near Peter's desk, holding some envelops. 

"I guess he left these for y'all." he spoke observing her presence in the room.

Natasha passed him the glass and took the 3 envelopes from him,

One was for Her and Steve one for Harry other was for Tony and Pepper. Natasha almost teared up seeing his messy handwriting.

"Can we go." Harley asked her, he looked somewhat angry heartbroken.

"Yes." She replied.  
\------------

"Thank you." Steve said as Natasha passed him a cup of coffee sipping on her own taking a seat beside him as they waited outside. "Are you not gonna read them."

"No not yet I'm not ready. Where's the kid." Natasha asked.

"He said he was gonna call his mom."

"I'm glad he found him on time."

"But we still don't know if he is gonna survive." Steve said his blue orbs shining with unshed tears.

Natasha didn't know what to say, because, it was usually Steve being positive and she thinking the opposite. Thankfully she didn't had to as Harley crashed in the seat beside her with face buried in his hand's.

"You okay kid." Steve asked him.

"I'm feeling fucking great actually." Harley snapped making Steve flinch.

"I'm sorry." he immediately apologised.

"Hey its ok." Steve tells him.

"No I'm sorry for not being quick enough to save him, if i was quicker I may have saved him."

"Hey kid none of that it's not your fault." Natasha told him quickly.

"I love him." he said in a broken voice, "He said he loved me and to forgive him and let him go, I can't I love him." Harley told them.

"Nothing is gonna happen to him, he's gonna come back. I've known him all his life he's a tough kid."

Harley nodded his head trying to believe her words.

__________

Tony looked like absolute shit as he entered the MedBay running his wife following right behind pacing her condition not any better.

"Nat, Peter where's he." Tony called out for his sister as he noticed her.

Natasha quickly got up hearing her brother and she swears she saw Harley's face furious seeing Tony and Pepper.

"Where's he, where's my baby." Pepper asked her face all tear stained.

"Nice to see you remember you have a son." Harley said in a amused tone.

"Watch your tone, Mr. Keener." Tony told him in a shocked tone.

"Well Mr. Stark, You should be glad he's not dead not yet, because you see exsanguination is a bitch."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HARLEY KEENER !!!!
> 
> Oh my god tonyissodead.  
> oops lol.
> 
> The next chapter may take a little time but it'll be this month I promise so yeah. 
> 
> Suggestions are welcomed!
> 
> Bye guy's love you 3000 <3

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me if you want me to write anything else for this series suggestions are most welcomed. thank you.


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